Ignorant Con-Fi-Don’t

Confidence is a weird word. It starts with a Con. Whether you’re con-vincing yourself or another of your ability, it starts with a Con.

Getting the bus home from work a couple of days ago I was over tired so I went to the closer bus stop. The one without a shelter or seats. The one that gets overcrowded.

I HATE crowds at the best of times. I really hate them now. Especially when I am on my own. I get anxious that I will be knocked into and my (feels like) forever healing ribs and chest muscles will start hurting daily again. Unfortunately I don’t always have a choice. It is a case of what I can manage to do in that moment.

The bus arrives and as usual there is a stampede to the front. I’m in a catch 22 here. If I don’t get near the front of the crowd I won’t get a seat and then I have to have the embarrassing conversation asking someone to give up their seat. If I get near the front I risk a crowd enduced panic attack or more chest pain because apparently it’s acceptable to push people along in a queue nowadays.

The lady next to me suddenly stops and touches my arm, “you go ahead my darling”, as she manoeuvers herself behind me, blocking others from trying to circle around to push in front. I look round, she’s about my age maybe a touch younger. I smile. I can’t talk. I’m choked. That is how rare this moment is.

And then she hit the nail on the head, with a wry smile on her face. She didn’t just understand. She knew.

“I bet a lot of people ignore your [walking] stick, don’t they? ‘cos young people don’t need them, do they!”

Ironically as she finished her sentence three more older ladies pushed in front of me to get on the bus. I laughed.

“Just like that. Thank you for noticing. Most people don’t until it is something that affects them personally”

That conversation boosted my confidence that day. I was tired and anxious. Someone noticed. And stopped to make sure I was okay.

Some humans are good.

Some humans are really not. Unfortunately there have been more occasions when their ignorance is truly baffling.

A few days later I’ve con-vinced myself and Marts into going out for the day. I was anxious before we got out of the house. Queue snapping at him when I couldn’t find my sunglasses 🙄 For the most part, it was a great day. We had a nice breakfast in our favourite café, we made the train and we only had to stop once while walking from the station to the festival so I could sit down. He found a quiet spot in the shade because as much as I am a sun baby, alcohol + my heart + my changing meds + the sun = very bad things. We talked. We laughed. We talked some more. We had a little bit too much to drink and laughed a little harder. It was perfect for us.

The festival started to fill up and soon more and more people wanted shade. I don’t mind being surrounded by other people with blankets and camping chairs. It’s a festival, a public event and totally unavoidable. But people still need to be able to be able to get in and out of their spots. And with a walking stick, I need a touch more room now.

I was on my way back from getting a glass of fizz. Martyn was standing a little in front of our blanket talking to a lady. Let’s call her Ms-I-WANT-THAT-SPOT, or Ms IWTS for short. He’s explaining to Ms IWTS that we would prefer it if her group set up a little further back. Pointing at me he said “we need a bit more room because she has been ill recently”. Judging by the shock on her face she quite obviously didn’t know what to make of that and slunk off back to the edge of the shade.

Let’s make sure this is crystal clear. Marts asked Ms IWTS to give us a foot more room to make it easier for me to get in and out. At no point did he ask them not to move next to us. That was Ms IWTS choice. She didn’t even give her friends that option. She made that decision.

Marts went to get himself a drink. Unfortunately it was now that Ms IWTS decided to recount her conversation with her friends.

“If she’s that sick perhaps she shouldn’t be here”

Wow. That escalated quickly.

Her words were harsh. Her tone was vile. Like she was talking about some dog shit she had stepped in.

If she hadn’t rendered me speechless I would have given her hell. Unfortunately, she just confirmed what I was anxious about.

I’m not ready to be out in the world yet.

Martyn came back and I told him, asking him not to do anything because I didn’t want a scene. He hugged me and reminded me that some people are just fucking ignorant. That is their problem. Not mine.

So I’ll correct that.

I’m not ready to listen to ignorant fuck wits unable to see past the end of their own nose.

One person totally knocked my con-fidence, making me question whether I had the ability to cope with being out of the house for 10 hours. Should I not be there? There was nothing on the tickets to suggest equality discrimination and all of my doctors have told me to get back to life as much as possible. Slower, but “you have to live, Theresa”

Ms IWTS, I am glad you rendered me speechless. It gave me time to react quietly. With dignity. And enough respect for us both. I will leave you to lacking decorum so expertly.

I will not let comments like these turn my confidence into con-fi-don’t-do-that.

“Be kind to everyone because you never know what they are going through” just doesn’t cut it here.

“Don’t be a dickhead. The world is already overcrowded enough with them” feels more appropriate.