Sunshine and Rain

Sunshine and Rain

It’s been 3 weeks almost to the minute whilst I (re)write this one. The first few drafts were in danger of being far too dark.

There is an age old cure-all we always go back to : Rest, Sea Air and Sunshine.

I’ve added a few more to the mix : family, friends, (gentle) hugs, surprise visitors, flowers, plants, dinorariums, knitflix, sloth-pace-walks, essential oils and meditation.

Ok, so I added quite a few. Turns out I’m quite needy 😂

I feel like a bit of a cliché at the moment, living my life through metaphors. And memes. Just ‘cos, fun. But not too much fun because laughter = chest pain 👎 I am pretty sure there are some minor fractures in my ribs now. The pain is certainly not all muscular.

The night before last I barely slept. I was still awake when Mum went to work at 6:30 a.m. I have dubbed my recurrent problem “phantom shocks”. I lie down to go to meditate before sleep, relax and start to drift off. **BAM**. It feels like my ICD goes off again. It doesn’t. It hasn’t. It feels different, nowhere near as painful and it doesn’t wind me. Plus, my home monitor still has a green light. Not an amber warning or a red emergency light. Green. Green is good.

It’s almost like muscle memory. The last time I lay totally flat I received 15 more shocks from my ICD. So it is probably my wonderfully weird mind playing a fun trick on me. My new panic attack. I calm myself down, sip some water and prop my pillows up so I’m not lying flat. But after the phantom shock happens once in a night, I don’t sleep. Knitflix to the rescue!

When I eventually got up yesterday I received two wonderful surprises. A bunch of stunning flowers from Unison (I guess someone mentioned the stress factor to them, OOPS). The second, a beautiful bottle of magic, Magnolia Touch essential oil from Jan and Rich. I cried when I opened this one.

“The Rain”.

It happens. A fair amount again. I know these feelings well. Tired. Tired of being in pain. Tired of being in recovery. Hopeless because I can’t do very much at the moment. Guilt because it means everyone else has to rally around me. Embarrassed because of the amount of people who saw me shocked. Frustrated that when I went for a walk with GRB today, my 76 year old Grandad, we had to rest and cut the walk a little short. Crazy because of the “phantom shocks”. Terrified I will experience another electrical cardiac storm.

But that’s not why I cried when I opened the gift of the earth from Jan and Richard. I cried because it reminded me how much love I have around me. People wouldn’t rally as much as they are if they felt no love for me. It reminded me that people care whether I live or die, and they want me to live. I want to live.

So it’s ok if my emotions bring The Rain.

Because flowers cannot bloom without a little rain.